"D" IS FOR DOG

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"D" stands for Dog, for all the d-doggy doings in which they engage. For:

Disposal: Don't have an in-sink garbage disposal? All out of storage containers? Are you sick of eating leftovers? No problem. Better than an electric disposal, dogs enjoy disposing of all your food garbage including egg shells, coffee grounds and melon rinds. Like the in-sink unit, remember to insert disposable food slowly, in small pieces. Do not overstuff regardless of how pitiful your dogs may look. Always be cautious not to overfeed your "unit." Make sure to do this doggy disposal step before undertaking the doggy dishwasher step listed below.

Dishwasher par excellent: Your dogs will lick your plate when you leave your dirty dishes on the table. But they don't stop there. If you haven't pre-rinsed your dishes prior to loading them into the dishwasher, just open the machine and let the Chief Dishwashers begin their work. As soon as they hear you open the door, they will run into the kitchen, poke their heads into the lower recesses of the dishwasher and begin lapping the remains of previous meals off your dishes. If you have more than one dog, they will encircle the dishwasher, one licking the pans on the left, another the plates on the right and a third will get the spoons in the flatware basket spotlessly clean. This is a convenient way for you to ease your work load. Just remember not to tell non-doggy or squeamish dinner guests, how you got your china so sparkly!

Dirty Laundry: If you have a difficult time deciding how to sort your laundry, get your dog to help you. Place all dirty clothing in random piles on the floor. Let the dogs into the room where you have carefully stacked the clothes to be laundered. Go away and leave your dogs unsupervised for about 15 minutes. When you return, you may or may not have any dirty laundry where you left it. The dirtiest items will have disappeared entirely (warning: may reappear during yard cleaning duties), favorite shirts will have been wadded into dog bedding, socks will have been recycled as tug toys and pants that were once too hot will have had cooling vents installed, normally in the pockets. Any piece that did not smell dirty enough to launder, will remain untouched, indicating that you may wear it again and again, only placing it in the hamper when the dog's desire to roll on it indicates that the clothing item in question is beginning to stink "real good."

Ditch digger: Not only can your dogs help you with inside chores, their assistance may also be utilized outdoors as ditch diggers. Once dug, ditches may be used for many practical purposes -- for building a new basement, as a vegetable cellar or bomb shelter, to plant a new bush or tree off of which your dogs can rip all the leaves and bark, to create tunnels for hiding from tornadoes, or as a convenient place where you can bury treasure such as doggy doodoo.

Delaying: such as the inevitable bath or trip to the veterinarian. Dogs will use such delaying tactics as dawdling over dinner, a half-hour potty break request given at least once every 15 minutes, or a deep and irresistible need to stop and smell every tree, curb, signpost and tire between your car and the clinic's door.

Driver: WARNING! Do not let them fool you! Contrary to their attempts to convince you of their skills in this area by climbing in your lap and poking their heads through the steering wheel while you are driving, do not, I repeat do not let your dog drive. They can't get insurance, the policeman would never believe it and worst of all, who knows where they would take us (probably to the nearest garbage dump).

Dashboard riders: closely related to and immediately following above. If they aren't allowed to drive, they will proceed to climb on the dashboard and ride, attempting to make you think they are one of those dog ornaments with the wobbly heads. Their plan is for you not to notice that they are riding where they shouldn't be. A live dog dashboard ornament looks very nice until you fail to see through, around or over them and drive over and destroy the flowers planted in front of the county courthouse where you will promptly be arrested for disturbing the peace.

Disturbers: As in ones who interrupt and disturb your rest, your sleep and your peace of mind.

Dark-barker: Don't let your neighborhood get too quiet at night, get a dog, and let them do one of the things they do best - barking at the dark. They may bark at nocturnal creatures such as skunk, owls or partying teenagers. Or they may bark at the wind in the trees or at nothing at all. Regardless, when it turns dark, (the later the hour, the darker it becomes, thus the greater is the need for barking, according to my resident expert dark-barker) your dog will bark and make noise for you and your sleepless neighbors from dusk until dawn. Dark barking serves no special purpose except to remind you that dogs will be dogs, warning us of who knows what.

Defender of The Pack: As in the original title, Defender of the Faith, doggy faith that is, that everything must and will be all right in their little doggy families. The worst violation is disturbing nap time, theirs not ours; penalty, one night of dark barking. Other offenses which require defense are biscuit stealing and doorbell ringing and undomesticated toads or rabbits running loose in your yard.

Debedding, or Disembedding: 1) To remove the sheets, blankets and pillows from your bed in one quick, wild movement during play. This is best accomplished while you are sleepily preparing for bed, forcing you to remake the bed or sleep on the couch. 2) To dig up all the flowers or shrubs which you planted in the holes your dogs dug (see above).

Destroyer, Devourer: Closely related, both self-explanatory. Applies particularly to things, which you value greatly, are very expensive or cannot be easily replaced.

Detail-oriented: Dogs do not go about haphazardly destroying things; rather, they are detail-oriented. Observe your dog delightedly shredding a paper towel. He or she will meticulously tear it up into tiny, equal-sized pieces, distributing it evenly over your entire living room floor 40 seconds prior to the arrival of company. "Detail" may also refer to their ability to work in teams, for example, a ditch-digging detail - when one member of the pack tires, they step back and let the next member of the work detail take over the destruction (or excavation depending on whose view point you consider).

Diligent: A dog's capacity to stick to the work which they have assigned themselves, not quitting until an item is totally obliterated, leaving you to detect and deduce from the ponderous remains, what exactly it was that your diligent, detailed devourers destroyed.

Devious: The manner in which they pursue the aforementioned activities. Signs that may indicate that deviousness is a (four)foot are complete silence from a remote part of the house or noises that sound like chewing on objects other than designated chew toys.

Desperate: demanding your attention. In their need to be petted, your dog may resort to pawing your hand, nudging your arm or licking you on the cheek. To relieve their state of desperation, sit down beside them, draw them close to your side, stroke and scratch them from head to tail, and whisper dumb sounds in their little doggy ears. For whatever else Dog may stand, "D" is also for:

Darling, Devoted, and Delightful: Despite of some of our dogs' dastardly doings, they are lovable and cute and dependable; they are always there for us, making us laugh (or cry first), making us feel better and delighting us by being themselves being dogs.