PHYSICS FOR DOGS

Welcome to Physics for Dogs (and owners) 101. This short guide will explain some basic elements of Canidae Physics, the nonescience that attempts to explain dogs being dogs.
* Energy. 1) What your dog has and you don't but wish you did. 2) How active your dog is when you don't want him to be.
* Force. 1) To change form as an influence of your dog's teeth on your new leather shoes. 2) Influence of your hand on your dog's collar, moving him to a space which he does not want to occupy.
* Space. Unreachable realm where human food and important belongings are stored.
* Matter. Your most valued material possessions; what your dog likes to chew most.
* Motion. The action your dog takes when he moves away from you after you tell him to "come."
* Laws of Motion. 1) For every creature that moves in a dog's territory, other than immediate family and pack, there will be a proportionate bark and chase reaction. 2) Dogs at rest tend to stay at rest, unless something interesting occurs to wake them, then the first Law of Motion will occur.
* Laws of Conservation. 1) A closed mouth will not gain or lose anything -- a dog will open mouth to receive treats and close mouth to refuse medicine. 2) A dog at rest, with closed eyes, will not lose any energy.
* Mediocrity Principle. If there is something particularly interesting occurring at a convenient time in their space, a dog will react and tend to keep reacting. If there is nothing interesting, they will become bored and go to sleep or entertain themselves by destroying matter.
* Black Hole. 1) The craters in your yard that are a direct result of your dog's boredom. 2) Where dogs hide the evidence of the matter they have destroyed.
* Laws of Gravity. 1) Dogs at rest can be used as objects to hold sofas and beds to the floor. 2) Balls and biscuits thrown into the air are easier to catch on the way down. 3). Food going down tastes better then when coming back up, but a dog will eat it either way.
* Defiance of the Law of Gravity. If it is undigestible, what goes down, must come up.
* Ideal Gas Law and Equation. If a dog is uncertain if a smelly substance is edible or not, the substance will be eaten to determine its purpose; then, S+(PxV)=OOgas (S is Semi-digestible Substance, P is Pressure, V is Volume and OO is Obnoxious Odor) will occur if dog's stomach does not defy gravity.
* Particle. Microscopically small crumb of a treat that your dog can sniff out and eat from an impossibly remote crevice of the sofa.
* Speed of Light. How fast your steak will disappear from the grill if you turn your back when a dog is present.
* Inequality Effect. The pitiful expression your dog gives you when you eat a food he is not allowed to have.
* Principle of Least Time. Amount of time that food rests in a dog bowl; this time reduces exponentially if two dogs share the same bowl and is expressed as 1/(22)=0 (no leftovers).
* Principle of Leash Time. Phenomenon that occurs when owner moves towards leash storage area and dog reacts by barking and wagging tail.
* Principle of Most Time. How long it takes a dog to do his business before entering the veterinarian's office.
* Quantum Leap. How high a dog can jump up when he greets you; height being relevant to level of dog's enthusiasm and quality of the clothes you are wearing.
* Speed of Sound. The amount of time it takes for the sound of your dog's barking to annoy your neighbors.
* Sonic Boom. What it sounds like when your dog barks directly in your ear.
* Theory of Bark Limitation. Each dog is born with a finite number of barks. Owners must attempt to prevent dogs from using all their barks at one time.
* Determinism Theory. The infinite extent to which your dog will keep trying to get a forbidden item. If, (emphasis on "if") owners can accurately calculate a dog's determination and abilities, they may (emphasis on "may") be able to prevent theft of the item.
* Photoelectric Effect. What happens when your dog is doing something unbelievably smart or cute; you grab the camera, take a picture, and all you capture is a streak of blurry fur.
* Law of Electrolysis. No matter how much you pluck, bathe, brush or vacuum fur from your dog (furniture, carpet or clothing), that fur will always return.
* Superconductivity. The ability of light-colored fur to stick to dark clothing.
* No-Hair Conjecture. The belief that if you shave your dog, you will stop them from shedding. For results of experiment, see a Chinese Crested Dog. This is a Null Experiment (see below)
* Null Experiment. Failed experiment. When dog attempts new behavior that fails to evoke desired response in owner or trainer. Example: Dog wants food. Dog lays head on table by your plate. Dog gets put in crate instead of given bite of roast beef.
* Laws of Thermodynamics. 1) Dogs will cover your heat ducts in winter and air conditioning vents in summer, preventing your home from being properly heated or cooled. 2) When you are too hot, your dog will want to sleep with you; if you are cold and want your dog to sleep with you, he will chose to sleep on the floor.
* Displacement Effect. After you are comfortably asleep, your dog will get in bed with you, steal your space and force you into an position unnatural for the human body, resulting in the dislocation of your neck.
* Muddy Paws Effect. As soon as you clean your carpet, put on white clothing or take the throw-covers off your furniture, your dog will run inside with muddy feet and liberally distribute dirt over all these surfaces.
* Synergy. Three dogs together in one household can destroy more matter, dig deeper black holes and eat more food than three single dogs in three separate households.
* Causality Principle. If you tell your dog to sit and offer him a biscuit, he will sit... And eat the biscuit.
* Theory of Relativity. "Sit" always means sit, but "No" is applied to an endless variety of actions. The phrase, "No," is spoken in varying volumes, the increasing loudness of which is relative to the dog's offense.
* Uncertainty Principle. The more you study and read about dogs, the less you understand their behavior.
* Occam's Razor (or Oster's Trimmer). A dog's philosophy. Reduce everything to its essentials. Keep life simple -- eat, sleep, play, potty on a regular basis.
* Complementary Effect. How good you and your dog look going for a walk together.
* Slobber Theory. The more drool and slobber in a dog kiss, the more it shows he loves you.
* Paradox. The worse you feel, the more your dog loves you and tries to cheer you up.
* Constancy Principle. No matter how you look, where you go, what you think or do, your dog will always remain the same and be your loyal, constant companion.
* Cosmological Constant. You are the center of your dog's universe. In his eyes, the sun rises and sets in your smile towards him. Be kind to him, take good care of him, and love him everyday of his life.

copyright 1999 by author