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Dog Economic, Canine Economics

ECONO-PODGE: A PRIMER OF 'CANINE ECONOMICS'

by Lexiann Grant





The news tells us that the economy is booming, spending is up and the dollar is strong. What does this mean to our dogs? Take a peek below to see how our canine companions might perceive the world of economics.
* UnemploymentDogs are never without a job; they naturally work at being themselves 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
* Income. The command your dog does not want to obey when he is outside playing.
* Minimum WageThe least amount of treats for which your dog will obey a command or perform a trick.
* Budget. The allotted amount of pats, hugs and kisses your dog needs each day. "Budget Deficits" occur whenever you are away from home. A "Budget Surplus" can occur when you have a large quantity of dog-loving visitors in your home.
* Stock Market. Any place where you can spend a fortune to purchase dog food, treats, toys and supplies.
* Stock. The level of kibble in the dog food bin.
* Stockholder. The human in charge of doggy dinner; the dog becomes the stockholder once he has eaten.
Stock Exchange. 1) When the human gives the stock (food) to the dog; 2) When multiple dogs exchange food bowls because what the other dog has is always better. 3) The final conversion of dog food into yard fertilizer.
* Cost of LivingThe mandate that states, "For every dog that eats there is a human who must scoop the poop."
* Ball Street. Your dog's favorite aisle in the pet supply store.
* Closing BellThe sound that your dog's tags make when they clink together as he runs into the kitchen at the sound of the refrigerator door closing.
* Bank. A place that bores your dog unless they hand out treats at the drive-through window.
* DepositWhat your dog does to your furniture, carpet and clothing with their fur.
* Withdrawal. What you attempt to do with your dog's fur, but never manage to completely achieve, when you vacuum your furniture, carpet and clothing.
* NASDAQ. The nasty noise your dog makes when he is gacking on a fur ball.
* Consumer; Consumer Price IndexDogs that love to eat and eat and eat; How much a dog loves to eat and eat and eat.
* Commodity. The item of plumbing behind which your dog tries to hide when you want to give him a bath.
* Safety Deposit Box. Where you put your dog to keep him out of trouble; a crate.
* SavingsWhen your dog plays with his bowl but won't eat his dinner.
* Interest. The level of enthusiasm or excitement paid by your dog to what is occurring around him. Example: The act of balancing a checkbook will result in 0% interest paid by your dog, while a squirrel running on the deck or food dropped on the floor will result in high interest.
* AssetThe third or fourth time you tell your dog to sit, as in "Set your furry little @ss down now and I mean it!"
* Liability. The relative ability of a sofa, bed or chair to comfortably support your dog while he is napping.
* Securities and Exchange Commission. A seminar for obedience trainers.
* Bedsider Trading. When you go to sleep at night, with your head on the pillow and plenty of room in the bed, but wake up in the morning with no covers, hanging over the edge of the mattress while your dog is sound asleep, cozily ensconced in your spot.
* Debt. What you will always have as long as you live with a dog. Like other long-term financial commitments such as homes and cars, dogs can also be a necessary and worthwhile investment.
* Money. 1) Meaningless green stuff, good for shredding and chewing during puppyhood. 2) A resource which dog owners need by the truckload in order to provide an endless quantity of dog food, toys, grooming supplies and veterinary care.
* Treasury. The treat jar, the cabinet where the dog food is stored, the toy basket, and especially the trash can.
* Federal Reserve. The human responsible for equitably distributing goodies from the "Treasury."
* Prime RateHow your dog rates the dinner on your plate compared to the food in his bowl.
* High-risk. Leaving your dinner within reach of your dog's jaws.
* GNP (Gross Natural Product). The substance that your dog vomits all over your floor after exploring the trash can's contents too thoroughly.
* IPO. Applies to male dogs and means, "I Pee On _____ (fill in the blank), I was here, therefore it is mine."
* Mutual Funds. When multiple dogs have to share treats from the same jar, instead of each dog having a jar of their own.
* The BowWow Jones. The indicator that your dog has achieved socio-economic success because his collar, leash, feeder and bed are all better than the dog's next door.
* S&P (Standard & Poors). Conformation and non-conformation dogs.
* Merger. A successful breeding program.
* Futurities. 1) The result of a good merger; puppies. 2) Your plans for your show puppy.
* Entrepreneur. The dog that manages to accumulate and keep the most toys in his "Safety Deposit Box" (see above).
* Corporate RaiderThe dog that steals toys from the "Entrepreneur's" "Safety Deposit Box" - and gets away with it.
* Takeover. When a lower ranking dog in a multi-dog home makes a play to be head honcho alpha dog. Takeovers may be hostile, or may happen quickly before the current CCO (Chief Canine Officer) notices the change in management.
* Broker. The human that breaks up hostile takeover attempts.
* Balance. 1) The harmony that results when multiple dogs figure out who's alpha and who's not. 2) What the canine-human relationship attains when your dog graduates obedience school.
* National Debt. What humans as stewards and responsible dog owners owe to the dogs of this world, particularly those that are in need of a loving home and good care.
* Investment. The amount of time, effort, money and love you put into your relationship with your dog. Investments always provide dividends and returns (see below).
* Dividends. The extra licks and kisses you get from your dog just for being you.
* Rate of Return. The payoff you receive when you invest yourself in the relationship with your dog; for example, if you give 10% of your attention, the amount of love and devotion you get back in return will be at least 100%.
* BondsThe heartfelt and soul-deep ties that develop between us and our dogs.
* Wealth. The greatest commodity humans have when we are loved unconditionally by a dog.

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